The Soul Crushing Reality of Motherhood

There's that saying "the straw that breaks the camel's back," and if my mental state about being a mother was a camel's back, then today was that straw.

We were up early. The kids have this newly learned skill of refusing to get out of bed on work days, yet being up at the ungodly hour of 4:50-5:15 AM on weekend mornings. (Friends without kids, soak it up.) DH was taking my SUV over to his parents' house so that he and his dad could change my brake pads, so rather than feed them, dress them, and hustle them out of the house so early in the AM, I opted to stay home with the kids. You know. Because we have Disney movies, and bins of their own toys, and a big comfy shag rug on our family room floor, and snacks, and it's home. And we're both working parents so the kids are in daycare for 40 hours a week. Who wouldn't want to be home playing with your own toys, watching your favorite cartoons, and hanging out?

My kids, apparently.

DS pretty much lost his shit on me around 10:30 AM. He was refusing to leave DH's room (with video game consoles and a gigantic TV) even though I had asked him nicely twice, so I turned off the cartoon DS had chosen (as he wasn't even in the room watching it), and that was the trigger that set off a meltdown. He grabbed his foam Thor hammer and hit me with it, so I promptly put the Thor hammer in the garage with the outgoing trash. DS grabbed another toy and threw it at me, so that went out in the garage, as well.

Long story short, DS hit me, so he got spanked, put in time out, and then after refusing to behave in the family room with me and DD, resulting in me getting kicked by him, he went up in his room for some quiet time to think about his behavior. Also, I was shaken up. Having to try and restrain him was heartbreaking. I felt like the worst mom ever, watching him kick me and then laugh in my face. What was I doing wrong?

When DH got home, we switched roles for a bit. I went upstairs for some quiet time, and then he got the kids down for naps. I decided to take a rare nap myself. When I got up, I was hopeful that the worst of the day was behind us.

But then DD was like, "Hold my juice box," and pitched multiple fits all afternoon long. Melting down, kicking and screaming, refusing to settle, responding to my calm questions with splotchy red faced screams.. it was too much for me.

I ended up crying into my phone, talking with my mom, about the sad reality that I've finally had to come face-to-face with: I love my children more than anything in the world, but I don't like them right now.

I think back to those days when I was so desperate to become a mom, clutching negative pregnancy tests, or clinging to the results of my latest HCG draw with the partial molar pregnancy, and I wonder now, What the hell were you so excited for?! To watch them fight with each other 24/7? To get kicked in the face by a child you prayed God for for years?! To hear the other child scream at you with disrespect so ferociously that her face turns bright red and your ears ring? To take them places only to return early because they literally decide this is the opportunity in which to test every fucking limitation you set? To work full-time at a job you hate to afford them a wonderful preschool, simple but fun birthday parties, a trip to Disney every other year or so, art supplies when they run out, new clothes or fun costumes when something's on sale, the occasional treat when you're out and the kids see something they might like, just to give it to kids who figuratively shit all over it?

Oh yeah, everyone wants to rub it in your face about "sleepless nights." Oh, take naps now, they say. Get used to being up all night, they'll repeat over and over. Your kids come first, they'll preach with wagging fingers, as if you thought you were going to relegate them to a closet somewhere or something.

No one tells you about what happens when you are trying to do everything right and it's still not enough. When your child is acting out and you're trying to be firm enough for him to take you seriously, but gentle enough not to harm him or make him afraid of you; when the "Time Outs" don't work and you have to spank, but someone tells you you shouldn't be spanking at all, but a family member says you're not spanking enough; and other parents at the daycare center are telling you about how your kid is the aggressor, but in the car on the way home, you have to listen as your baby - this little person you literally birthed into the world - cries in his car seat about how the other kids were mean to him and said bad things and he acted out the way he did because of it, and you have to figure out how to navigate his hurt feelings with your instinct to protect him versus the black-and-white of what he did and how do you approach that without making him feel as though you don't support him or care about his feelings; or how you sleep at night, wondering if he's aggressive because you spanked him that handful of times? or if he's aggressive because you're not firm enough when you utilize "Time Outs" and taking away toys, or, if he's aggressive, shouldn't you put him in karate to teach him self-control and discipline? And what if he needs more positive male influences in his life? Maybe it's time to set up a playdate with other boys from preschool since there are so many girls at daycare. But what if all he wants to do during the playdate is talk about Moana and princesses, and what if the boys pick on him and then he acts out? What then?

No one tells you this fucking shit.

No one.